Separated Families Matter

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Published: Wednesday, 30 March 2016 10:22

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Reunited - A Story of Hope

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Published: Monday, 05 May 2014 22:46

When our granddaughter was born, she brought us great joy. She lived not five minutes away and we were heavily involved with every aspect of her life. Then her parents separated, mother moved far away and our son went through the court system in order for all of us to try to retain the relationship. As our granddaughter grew up, she became more and more alienated and neither we nor her father had seen her for many years.

In February her grandfather, my husband, had to undergo surgery to remove a tumour. I thought she should know and managed to get a message to her. We heard nothing. When he had got through it and was on the road to recovery, I let her know that her grandfather was out of hospital and getting stronger every day. She immediately texted back and said that she was sorry she hadn’t replied to the previous text but that she hadn’t had a phone. And please would I give her love to her granddad. I did so and he sent back a message to say thank you. This was the first ever communication of this sort.

Then he started chemotherapy. After the second dose, he became very, very ill and I felt our granddaughter should know. She immediately said she would like to come and see him.

I met her in the hospital car park to warn her that her grandfather was very sick. Then we went to his room. I told her to go to the side of his bed, close to him. I said to him, “Look who’s come to see you.” He opened his eyes and looked at her. He reached up his frail arms and said, “I thought I’d never see you again” and wept. She hugged him.

We stayed just a short time as he went to sleep. I then asked if she’d like to have a meal with her dad. She said yes. So I took her to meet her father and we spent an hour or so all together. Then we returned to spend a few more minutes with her grandfather.

Sadly, three days later he died.

His funeral was last week. His granddaughter came. She spent time with all her paternal family: all my family plus my nieces and nephews, all her aunts and uncles and her cousins were there, some from overseas. Plus many friends including some that I know through FNF.

Afterwards, she came to our house. She saw that the sign on her granddad’s office was the one she had put there many years before. All the passwords on his computer included her name.  We found a tiny photo of her in his wallet. She was clearly very moved.

Later on she sat and cuddled me and I asked that she shouldn’t disappear again. Now it’s largely up to her. She’s twenty this year.

But I’m so relieved that she saw her grandfather before he died and was reconciled with him. For both their sakes.

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Formal Contact Sessions

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Published: Wednesday, 30 March 2016 10:17

Supporting Parents Going Through Formal Contact Sessions or Moving on from them 

About Contact Centres:

• A Child Contact Centre is a safe, friendly and neutral place where children of separated families can spend time with one or both parents and sometimes other family members. They are child-centred environments that provide toys, games and facilities that reflect the diverse needs of children affected by family breakdown.
• A Child Contact Centre is independent of the Courts, Social Services or any statutory agency.
• (Contact Centres can also provide handovers so that parents don’t have to meet (including for informal contact), and can receive and  forward items for indirect contact where the address of the child is not yet to be shared with the parent)

Referals:

• Visits are normally by referral, although some Centres accept self-referrals. The referral can be made by a social worker, solicitor, family mediator, CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer or by Court Order.
  For more detail or to contact your local contact centre go to http://www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php

Note: Supervised and supported contact centres have their own staff and volunteers. This section is intended as background information for other practitioners working with parents who may be attending such sessions, with the emphasis on the separation aspects of the situation rather than predominately safeguarding issues.

The National Association of Child Contact Centres website gives the following information:

The difference between ‘supported’ and ‘supervised’ contact:
Supported Contact:

• Supported Child Contact Centres are suitable for families when no significant risk to the child or those around the child has been identified.
• Supported Child Contact Centres do not make verbal or written reports about visits, apart from the dates and times of attendance. The only exception to this is if we believe that a child is at risk, or if a member of staff, volunteer or Centre user is at risk of harm.

Supervised Contact:

• A Supervised Child Contact Centre should be used when it has been determined that a child has suffered or is at risk of suffering harm during contact.
• Supervised Child Contact Centres do make reports on contact.

Note:
Different contact sessions might also be arranged in various other ways by Cafcass officers or Social Care workers, in which case settings and structure may vary.

Children’s Centres are increasingly being used for this, providing a good opportunity for staff from the arranging agency and the Children’s Centre to work together in meeting the varied needs of each parent, and if appropriate, the children. Information may need to be shared, following protocols and safeguarding guidance.

Separated parents attending formal contact sessions may experience:

• Feeling nervous beforehand, being unsure what to expect
• Feeling judged and on the defensive
• Frustration or anger at having to pass a test to see their child, especially if a false accusation has been made by the other parent in order to obstruct, delay or reduce contact with children as part of ongoing conflict
• Feeling inhibited at trying to be natural with their child while being observed
• Worried about failing and not being able to see their child in the future

Some ideas for before and during a period of contact sessions:

• Explain the purpose and nature of contact sessions if they aren’t sure.
• Emphasise the importance of attending on time and following the rules of conduct of the contact – it is the way through to seeing their child again
• Help the parent think of ways of making the contact as meaningful, enjoyable and natural as possible, hard though that may be: 
  - If they haven’t seen their children for a while their emotions will run high – how will they manage this? 
  - What could they remind themselves of in order to keep calm and relaxed for their children?
  - What do they think each child needs from them at the session? (Playing at their level, talking, asking questions, listening, lots of eye contact, praise, take a book to read them? and so on…)
  - Don’t expect too much from the child - it is hard for them too, especially if there has been a break in contact.
• If the parent is feeling unmotivated or pessimistic about the likely outcome, point out that many people are successful, and are able to see their children more freely later. What do they think they need to do to be one of those people?
• The difference it will make to the child (even if the child can’t show it at this point)
• If you see the parent after a session, help them think through how it went and why – what went well, and how could it be better for the child next time?

If the period of contact sessions is successful
If there are still some concerns, or if the mother or father is lacking confidence, a transitional arrangement may be preferable – for example contact that is informal and unsupervised in a supportive group setting like a Children’s Centre, rather than the parent suddenly being left to cope completely on their own. Setting staff can be engaged with to provide discreet support if needed. Later, age/stage appropriate child-friendly ideas for contact activities in the community may help.

Parents who have had to go through contact sessions because of false allegations are likely to want to exercise contact independently as soon as possible, though they may also need to negotiate transitional arrangements in order to reassure or placate the other parent. Arranged handovers in which the parents don’t have to meet may help the child avoid conflict initially.

If the contact sessions are unsuccessful

• The father or mother may need help dealing with their grief or anger, which should be fully acknowledged.
• If allowed, they may be able to use indirect contact (e.g. emails or phone calls) in order to maintain their relationship with their children, and you may be able to make this good quality and child-centred
• Can you help them see the factors that brought them to this point? Help them explore ways of separating out and resolving those issues – although they may feel they have tried everything
• If their complex issues have been a factor, make sure that they are aware of help available, and explore longer-term possibilities for rebuilding the relationship, provided this has not been irrevocably ruled out.
• On occasions where the parent feels that contact sessions have failed because the resident parent has successfully alienated the child from the non-resident parent without good reason, it can be especially hard, and a long-term view, possibly into the child’s adulthood may help if sensitively handled. Grief counselling may be needed.
• Signpost mothers and fathers to legal help or specialist support where needed.
• Is there a way that you can help them find a realistic way forward for them, rather than it seeming like a dead end?

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Resident Parents

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Published: Wednesday, 30 March 2016 10:31

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